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Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:13 pm | |
| "Kwentong Kababliwan"
LINGGO noon. Nakatakda ang araw na 'yon para sa date namin ng girlfiend kong si Maji. Pero tumawag s'ya sa 'kin at sinabing cancel muna ang date dahil sasamahan niya daw ang kanyang tita sa isang importanteng lakad. Sabi ko okay lang, naintindihan ko. Subalit dahil wala akong magawa sa bahay at talagang bored ako noon, ako na lang ang pumunta sa mall at nanood ng sine mag-isa. Libang na libang ako sa paggagala sa mall, di ko alam na iyon na pala ang katapusan ng mundo.
Pagpasok ko sa entrada ng sinehan, nagulat ako sa nakita sa may snack bar. Si Maji! At may kasama siya--hindi ang kanyang tita--kundi isang lalaki. Nakaakbay pa ito sa kanya. Shocked ako pero ganunpaman, gusto kong ipaalam sa kanya na nandoon ako at nahuli ko siya. Pero di man lamang s'ya nagulat nang makita ako. Relaxed s'ya at nakangiti pang sinabi sa 'kin: "Tapos na ang lahat sa atin." "Ha?" Di na 'ko nakapagsalita.
Gusto kong magalit sa kanya. Gusto kong sapakin ang lalaki. Gusto kong umiyak.
Pero kinimkim ko ang lahat ng aking naramdaman at sinabing "Wala akong magagawa...basta kung saan ka masaya.."
Tumalikod ako agad at pumasok sa loob ng sinehan. Doon ko ibinuhos ang lahat ng pinigilan kong lumabas sa aking mga mata. Komedi ang palabas at nagtatawanan ang mga tao sa paligid ko ngunit ako nama'y abala sa pagdadrama sa aking kinauupuan. Natapos ang pelikula na di ko naintindihan ang istorya. Wala ako sa sarili hanggang sa pag-uwi ko sa boarding house.
Kinabukasan, nagdesisyon akong umuwi sa probinsiya namin upang makalimot. Mataas ang araw noon at mainit ang biyahe, pero wala pa ring tigil ang ulan at bagyo sa aking mga mata. Mabigat pa sa aking mga bagahe ang dinadala ko sa aking dibdib. Kahit na wala pa kaming isang taon ni Maji, masakit pa rin sa 'kin ang nangyari dahil mahal ko talaga s'ya. Di pa man nakakalabas ng Maynila ang bus na aking sinasakyan, bigla kong naisip na bumaba. Wala nang silbi pang mabuhay kaya naisip kong magpakamatay na lang.
Inakyat ko ang isang billboard ng GMA7 kung saan nakalarawan dito ang final 14 ng Starstruck. Dream, believe, survive. "Kagaguhan!" sabi ko. "Tingnan ko lang kung makaka-survive pa 'ko pag tumalon ako mula rito...
maliban na lang kung may pipigil." Pero wala ngang pumigil. Dahil walang nagmamalasakit.
Walang nagmamahal. Tumalon ako. " Aaaahhh...blag!"
Nabagok ang aking ulo sa gulong ng trak ng MMDA na sa mga oras na 'yon
ay nagsasagawa ng wet flag scheme. Hindi naman ako namatay.
Wala lang akong maalala pagbangon ko. "Sino ako? Anong ginagawa ko rito?"
tanong ko sa sarili ko. Nagka-amnesia ako.
Mula noon ay nagpalaboy-laboy ako sa lansangan. Sa ilalim ng overpass ako natutulog at doo'y madalas na ka-jamming ko ang mga taong-grasa at mga rugby boys. Namalimos ako sa daan, papunas-punas ng mga sapatos ng pasahero ng jeep, o kaya'y humihingi ng 'love offering' sa mga pasahero ng bus. Umasenso naman ako hanggang sa makapagtinda na 'ko ng fishball, squidball, at kwek-kwek. Kung anu-anong trabaho ang pinasukan ko para lang may maipanlaman sa kumukulo kong tiyan. Nagbenta rin ako ng mga pirated na CD, VCD, at DVD. Pero di pa rin sapat ang kinikita ko sa pagbebenta ng mga produkto kaya ibenenta ko na rin pati ang aking sariling laman. Nagpagamit ako sa kung sinu-sinong bakla at mga matrona. Kumita ako ng malaki. Subalit sadyang malupit sa akin ang tadhana dahil sa isang iglap ay nawala lahat ng aking pinaghirapan. Nadukot ang wallet ko nang makipagsiksikan ako sa libing ni FPJ. Nalungkot akong lubha at nawalan ng pag-asang makabangon pang muli. Nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. May nag- text. Sabi sa message, ang Oracle
daw ang tanging makapagbabalik sa aking alaala. Nag-reply ako: hu u?
Pero di na s'ya nag-text back. Di ko alam kung saan ko hahanapin si Oracle.
Nilibot ko ang kamaynilaan. Ipina-blotter sa pulis. Ngunit kahit anino ni Oracle
o ni Madam Auring ay di ko nakita.
Naisip kong baka wala s'ya sa siyudad kaya pumunta ako sa mga probinsiya. Nakarating ako sa kabundukan ng Quezon Province pero mga illegal loggers lang ang nadatnan ko. Nilisan ko ang lugar na 'yon at sa pagbaba ko ng bundok, nasalubong ko ang mga nagtatakbuhang... hobbits! -- sina Frodo, Samwise, Merry, Pippin, at si... Dagul yata ang pangalan ng isa. Hinahabol daw sila, hindi ng mga ringwraiths kundi mga.. battle droids ng Starwars! "Huh?! Ano 'to?!! Nasa'n ba ako?!!!" Sa sobrang lito ay nakitakbo na rin ako. Napakaraming kalaban. Libo-libong droids. Kakampi pa yata nila ang mga robot sa I, Robot.
Mabuti na lang at dumating ang mga astig na superheroes: sina Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Daredevil, Blade, Van Helsing, Elektra, X-Men, Charlie's Angels, Powerpuff Girls, the Incredibles, Voltes V, Mulawin, Capt. Barbell, Darna, Volta, Krystala, Lastikman, Panday, Andres Bonifacio...marami pang iba.
Madaling natalo ang mga kalaban. Subalit... sugatan si Frodo. May tama siya. At may iniabot siya sa akin --isang singsing! May elvish inscriptions dito na sa tingin ko'y hindi kayang i- decode kahit ni Dan Brown. Pero bago pa man malagutan ng hininga si Frodo, nasabi niya sa akin ang kahulugan ng nakasulat: "God will never leave you empty. He will replace everything you lost. If He asks you to put something down, it's because He wants you to pick up something better and best for you." Inilagay ko ang singsing sa bulsa ng aking pantalon at nangakong iingatan ko iyon.
Samantala, nagdiwang ang mga superheroes sa pagtatagumpay. Gumimik sila sa Libis at nag-inuman. Sasama sana ako pero sabi ko kailangan
kong umuwi ng bahay dahil ending na ng Lovers in Paris.
Pero naalala ko na may amnesia pala ako at di ko alam kung saan ako nakatira kaya sumama na rin ako. Habang nagdi-disco ang Justice League kasama ang Marvel superheroes, nagtugtugan at nagkantahan naman ang mga anime' heroes. Panalo sa Japan!
May ledge dancing pa sina Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Black Mamba, at Sailor Moon!
Pero di rin kami nagtagal sa lugar na 'yon. May nagyaya kasi na pumunta sa Baywalk dahil may show daw doon ang The Bodies.
Ang saya-saya! Idagdag mo na lang si Kuya Germs, kahit wala nang tulugan!
Subalit naudlot ang kasayahang iyon nang biglang lumindol... at mula sa Manila Bay ay dumating ang isang dambuhalang... TSUNAMI!!! Swooossshhh!!! Naitaboy ang mga superheroes. Hindi nakayanan ng kanilang powers na pigilin ang dumating na sakuna. Mabilis na bumaha ang paligid at nalunod kaming lahat. Oo, pati sina Aquaman, Marina, at Nemo. Patay kaming lahat. Dumilim ang kapaligiran. Katahimikan.
"Gising! Gising!" Isang tinig ng lalaki ang narinig ko. Pagdilat ko, nakita ko ang isang lalaki. "May tiket na po ba kayo? Sa'n po kayo bababa?"
"Huh?!" nagulat ako. Kunduktor pala iyon ng bus. Panaginip lang pala ang lahat! Nasa bus pa pala ako at pauwi ng probinsiya. "Sa Tarlac po," sabi ko sa kanya pero ang mga mata ko'y nakatitig sa kanyang t-shirt na may nakasulat na "the Oracle". Parang narinig ko pa si Morpheus na bumubulong: "Welcome to the real world..."
Buhay pa ako. May pamilya at mga kaibigang nagmamahal sa akin. May tirahang nauuwian, may magandang hanapbuhay, at... virgin pa 'ko!
Habang nasa biyahe, naisip ko, napakababaw na dahilan pala ang iwan ka ng boyfriend o girlfriend mo para magpakamatay ka. I have to stand up and move on. Lalaki ako at di dapat ako maging mahina. Di dapat ako maging tanga para sa isang gaga at walang kwentang babae. Naisip ko rin na mabuti na rin ang nangyari at nakilala ko nang maaga ang tunay niyang kulay bago pa man humaba ang relasyon namin. Hindi siya ang karapat-dapat sa akin.
Nasa gate na'ko ng aming bahay nang may tumawag sa aking pangalan. Si Rizi, kababata ko, kapitbahay namin. Sabi niya umalis daw ang lahat ng tao sa bahay namin at iniwan sa kanya ang susi. Nang abutin ko ang susi sa kanya, doon ko lang s'ya nakaharap nang malapitan at doon ko rin lang napansin na maganda pala siya. Matapos akong magpasalamat ay sinuklian n'ya 'ko ng isang matamis na ngiti. (Cue: new Coca-cola theme song)
Pagpasok sa bahay, diretso agad ako sa banyo upang makapaghilamos. Maginaw sa loob ng banyo at malamig ang tubig. Pero may naramdaman akong mainit na bagay sa bulsa ng aking pantalon. Dinukot ko ito at nakita ko ang isang... singsing.
THE END
All rights reserved. No part of this story may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law.
The names of the characters, places, and events are all fictitious. Any similarity with reality is coincidental. No animals were hurt during the making of the story.
Some dialogues are not suitable for young readers. Parental guidance is hereby advised.
Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, induce vomiting
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| | | Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:15 pm | |
| Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question. Baby: sure mom Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer? Baby: thank you po!!!
BF: may malaki ako problema. GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin? BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama
"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!" - words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo! Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo? Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako Father: ano kasalanan mo? Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao Father: bakit? Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba? Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob Patient: (ininom ang gamot) Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba? Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder... WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver... Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw? Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo! Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh! Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!
Girl: doc, pacheck-up po Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim
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| | | Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:16 pm | |
| Pulot ko lang sa frenster 2!
SEX JOKE ang saya. Message: ge: Okay so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
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| | | Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:18 pm | |
| who has a mind of child? naughty joke..
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The Teacher had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree. the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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| | | Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:22 pm | |
| It's Illegal
Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons”, protests the driver. "You can't pull that one on me," replies the customs agent. "Quattro means 4!" "Oh, god you are so stupid! Call your supervisor!", requests the driver. "Sorry No”, say the customs man, “He’s busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno.
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| | | Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:23 pm | |
| Five Kinds Of Sex
1 Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon. You both keep at it until you're blue in the face.
2 Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen while she's trying to wash the dishes.
3 Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit. Have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.
4 Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*** you!"
5 Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom. | |
| | | Darryl Administrator
Posts : 453 Reputation : 34 Join date : 2010-05-17 Age : 41 Location : Philippines
| Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:24 pm | |
| Is it Male or Female?
Swiss army knife: Male Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time opening bottles.
Kidneys:Female They always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Tire:Male It goes bald and is often over-inflated.
Hot air balloon: Male To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . And, of course it’s full of hot air.
Sponges:Female They are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web page: Female It’s always getting hit on.
Shoe:Male It’s usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier: Female Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pressed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pressed.
Ziploc bags: Male They hold everything in, but you can always see straight through them.
Subway: Male It uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hammer: Male It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Remote control: Female It gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to press, he keeps trying.
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