Joke Only !!!

Subject: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:13 pm

"Kwentong Kababliwan"

LINGGO noon. Nakatakda ang araw na 'yon para
sa date namin ng
girlfiend kong si Maji. Pero tumawag s'ya sa 'kin at
sinabing cancel muna ang date dahil sasamahan
niya daw
ang kanyang tita sa isang importanteng lakad.
Sabi ko okay lang,
naintindihan ko. Subalit dahil wala akong magawa
sa bahay at talagang
bored ako noon, ako na lang ang pumunta sa mall
at nanood ng sine
mag-isa. Libang na libang ako sa paggagala sa
mall, di ko alam na iyon
na
pala ang katapusan ng mundo.

Pagpasok ko sa entrada ng sinehan, nagulat ako
sa nakita sa may snack
bar. Si Maji! At may kasama siya--hindi ang
kanyang tita--kundi isang
lalaki. Nakaakbay pa ito sa kanya. Shocked ako
pero ganunpaman, gusto
kong ipaalam sa kanya na nandoon ako at nahuli
ko siya. Pero di man
lamang s'ya nagulat nang makita ako. Relaxed
s'ya at nakangiti pang
sinabi sa 'kin: "Tapos na ang lahat sa atin." "Ha?"
Di na 'ko
nakapagsalita.

Gusto kong magalit sa kanya. Gusto kong sapakin
ang lalaki. Gusto kong
umiyak.

Pero kinimkim ko ang lahat ng aking naramdaman
at sinabing "Wala akong
magagawa...basta kung saan ka masaya.."

Tumalikod ako agad at pumasok sa loob ng
sinehan. Doon ko ibinuhos
ang lahat ng pinigilan kong lumabas sa aking mga
mata. Komedi ang palabas at nagtatawanan ang
mga tao sa paligid
ko ngunit ako nama'y abala sa pagdadrama sa
aking kinauupuan.
Natapos ang pelikula na di ko naintindihan ang
istorya. Wala ako sa
sarili hanggang sa pag-uwi ko sa boarding house.

Kinabukasan, nagdesisyon akong umuwi sa
probinsiya namin upang
makalimot. Mataas ang araw noon at mainit ang
biyahe, pero wala pa
ring tigil ang ulan at bagyo sa aking mga mata.
Mabigat pa sa aking mga bagahe ang dinadala ko
sa aking
dibdib. Kahit na wala pa kaming isang taon ni Maji,
masakit pa rin sa
'kin ang
nangyari dahil mahal ko talaga s'ya. Di pa man
nakakalabas ng
Maynila ang bus na aking sinasakyan, bigla kong
naisip na bumaba.
Wala nang silbi pang mabuhay kaya naisip kong
magpakamatay na lang.

Inakyat ko ang isang billboard ng GMA7 kung
saan nakalarawan dito ang
final 14 ng Starstruck. Dream, believe,
survive. "Kagaguhan!" sabi
ko. "Tingnan ko lang kung makaka-survive pa 'ko
pag tumalon ako mula
rito...

maliban na lang kung may pipigil." Pero wala
ngang pumigil. Dahil
walang nagmamalasakit.

Walang nagmamahal. Tumalon ako. "
Aaaahhh...blag!"

Nabagok ang aking ulo sa gulong ng trak ng
MMDA na sa mga oras na 'yon

ay nagsasagawa ng wet flag scheme. Hindi naman
ako namatay.

Wala lang akong maalala pagbangon ko. "Sino
ako? Anong ginagawa ko
rito?"

tanong ko sa sarili ko. Nagka-amnesia ako.

Mula noon ay nagpalaboy-laboy ako sa lansangan.
Sa ilalim ng overpass
ako natutulog at doo'y madalas na ka-jamming ko
ang mga taong-grasa at mga rugby boys.
Namalimos ako sa daan,
papunas-punas ng mga sapatos ng pasahero ng
jeep, o kaya'y
humihingi ng 'love offering' sa mga pasahero ng
bus. Umasenso naman
ako hanggang sa makapagtinda na 'ko ng fishball,
squidball, at
kwek-kwek.
Kung anu-anong trabaho ang pinasukan ko para
lang may maipanlaman sa
kumukulo kong tiyan. Nagbenta rin ako ng mga
pirated na CD,
VCD, at DVD. Pero di pa rin sapat ang kinikita ko
sa pagbebenta ng mga
produkto kaya ibenenta ko na rin pati ang aking
sariling laman.
Nagpagamit ako sa kung sinu-sinong bakla at mga
matrona. Kumita ako ng
malaki. Subalit sadyang malupit sa akin ang
tadhana dahil sa isang
iglap ay nawala lahat ng aking pinaghirapan.
Nadukot ang wallet ko
nang makipagsiksikan ako sa libing ni FPJ.
Nalungkot akong lubha at nawalan ng pag-asang
makabangon pang muli.
Nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. May nag-
text. Sabi sa message,
ang Oracle

daw ang tanging makapagbabalik sa aking alaala.
Nag-reply ako: hu u?

Pero di na s'ya nag-text back. Di ko alam kung
saan ko hahanapin si
Oracle.

Nilibot ko ang kamaynilaan. Ipina-blotter sa pulis.
Ngunit kahit anino
ni Oracle

o ni Madam Auring ay di ko nakita.

Naisip kong baka wala s'ya sa siyudad kaya
pumunta ako sa mga
probinsiya. Nakarating ako sa kabundukan ng
Quezon Province pero mga
illegal loggers lang ang nadatnan ko. Nilisan ko
ang lugar na 'yon at
sa pagbaba ko ng bundok, nasalubong ko ang
mga nagtatakbuhang...
hobbits! -- sina Frodo, Samwise, Merry, Pippin, at
si... Dagul yata
ang pangalan ng isa. Hinahabol daw sila, hindi ng
mga ringwraiths
kundi mga.. battle droids ng Starwars! "Huh?!
Ano 'to?!! Nasa'n ba
ako?!!!" Sa sobrang lito ay nakitakbo na rin ako.
Napakaraming kalaban. Libo-libong droids.
Kakampi pa yata
nila ang mga robot sa I, Robot.

Mabuti na lang at dumating ang mga astig na
superheroes: sina
Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Daredevil, Blade,
Van Helsing, Elektra,
X-Men, Charlie's Angels, Powerpuff Girls, the
Incredibles, Voltes V,
Mulawin, Capt. Barbell, Darna, Volta, Krystala,
Lastikman, Panday,
Andres Bonifacio...marami pang iba.

Madaling natalo ang mga kalaban. Subalit...
sugatan si Frodo. May
tama siya. At may iniabot siya sa akin --isang
singsing! May elvish
inscriptions dito na sa tingin ko'y hindi kayang i-
decode kahit ni
Dan Brown. Pero bago pa man malagutan ng
hininga si Frodo, nasabi
niya sa akin ang kahulugan ng nakasulat: "God
will never leave you
empty. He will replace everything you lost. If He
asks you to put
something down, it's because He wants you to
pick up something better
and best for you." Inilagay ko ang singsing sa
bulsa ng aking
pantalon at nangakong iingatan ko iyon.

Samantala, nagdiwang ang mga superheroes sa
pagtatagumpay. Gumimik
sila sa Libis at nag-inuman. Sasama sana ako
pero sabi ko kailangan

kong umuwi ng bahay dahil ending na ng Lovers in
Paris.

Pero naalala ko na may amnesia pala ako at di ko
alam
kung saan ako nakatira kaya sumama na rin ako.
Habang nagdi-disco
ang Justice League kasama ang Marvel
superheroes, nagtugtugan at
nagkantahan naman ang mga anime' heroes.
Panalo sa Japan!

May ledge dancing pa sina Wonder Woman,
Catwoman, Black Mamba, at
Sailor Moon!

Pero di rin kami nagtagal sa lugar na 'yon. May
nagyaya kasi na
pumunta sa Baywalk dahil may show daw doon
ang The Bodies.

Ang saya-saya! Idagdag mo na lang si Kuya
Germs, kahit wala nang
tulugan!

Subalit naudlot ang kasayahang iyon nang biglang
lumindol... at mula sa Manila Bay ay dumating ang
isang
dambuhalang... TSUNAMI!!! Swooossshhh!!!
Naitaboy ang mga
superheroes. Hindi nakayanan ng kanilang powers
na pigilin ang dumating
na
sakuna. Mabilis na bumaha ang paligid at nalunod
kaming lahat. Oo, pati
sina Aquaman, Marina, at Nemo. Patay kaming
lahat. Dumilim ang
kapaligiran. Katahimikan.

"Gising! Gising!" Isang tinig ng lalaki ang
narinig ko. Pagdilat ko, nakita ko ang isang
lalaki. "May tiket na po
ba
kayo? Sa'n po kayo bababa?"

"Huh?!" nagulat ako. Kunduktor pala iyon ng bus.
Panaginip lang pala ang lahat! Nasa bus pa pala
ako at pauwi ng
probinsiya. "Sa Tarlac po," sabi ko sa kanya pero
ang mga mata
ko'y nakatitig sa kanyang t-shirt na may nakasulat
na "the Oracle".
Parang narinig ko pa si Morpheus na
bumubulong: "Welcome to the
real world..."

Buhay pa ako. May pamilya at mga kaibigang
nagmamahal sa akin. May
tirahang nauuwian, may magandang hanapbuhay,
at... virgin pa 'ko!

Habang nasa biyahe, naisip ko, napakababaw na
dahilan pala ang iwan
ka ng boyfriend o girlfriend mo para
magpakamatay
ka. I have to stand up and move on. Lalaki ako at
di dapat ako
maging mahina. Di dapat ako maging tanga para
sa isang gaga at
walang kwentang babae. Naisip ko rin na mabuti
na rin ang nangyari at
nakilala ko nang maaga ang tunay niyang kulay
bago pa man humaba
ang relasyon namin. Hindi siya ang karapat-dapat
sa akin.

Nasa gate na'ko ng aming bahay nang may
tumawag sa aking pangalan. Si
Rizi, kababata ko, kapitbahay namin. Sabi niya
umalis daw ang lahat
ng tao sa bahay namin at iniwan sa kanya ang
susi. Nang abutin ko ang susi sa kanya, doon ko
lang s'ya nakaharap
nang malapitan at doon ko rin lang napansin na
maganda pala siya.
Matapos akong magpasalamat ay sinuklian
n'ya 'ko ng isang matamis na
ngiti.
(Cue: new Coca-cola theme song)

Pagpasok sa bahay, diretso agad ako sa banyo
upang makapaghilamos.
Maginaw sa loob ng banyo at malamig ang tubig.
Pero may naramdaman akong mainit na bagay sa
bulsa ng aking
pantalon. Dinukot ko ito at nakita ko ang isang...
singsing.

THE END

All rights reserved. No part of this story may be
reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, without
the written
permission of the author, except where permitted
by law.

The names of the characters, places, and events
are all fictitious.
Any similarity with reality is coincidental. No
animals were hurt
during the making of the story.

Some dialogues are not suitable for young readers.
Parental guidance is hereby advised.

Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, induce
vomiting

cheers

Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:15 pm

Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!

BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama

"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!" - words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria

1 panget na babe, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:16 pm

Pulot ko lang sa frenster 2!

SEX JOKE ang saya.
Message: ge: Okay so a guy is
nearing the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little
brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she
wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts
up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:18 pm

who has a mind of child? naughty joke..

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students the
teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While
the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I
have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit
tense.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:22 pm

It's Illegal

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French
Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a
Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers:
this car is designed to carry 5 persons”, protests the driver.
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the customs agent.
"Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, god you are so stupid! Call your supervisor!", requests the driver.
"Sorry No”, say the customs man, “He’s busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat
Uno.

Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:23 pm

Five Kinds Of Sex

1 Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon. You both keep at it until you're blue in the face.

2 Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have
sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen while
she's trying to wash the dishes.

3 Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit. Have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.

4 Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*** you!"

5 Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws
you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Subject: Re: Joke Only !!! Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:24 pm

Is it Male or Female?

Swiss army knife: Male
Even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time
opening bottles.

Kidneys:Female
They always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire:Male
It goes bald and is often over-inflated.

Hot air balloon: Male
To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under it . . . And, of course it’s full of hot
air.

Sponges:Female
They are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

Web page: Female
It’s always getting hit on.

Shoe:Male
It’s usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

Copier: Female
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
It’s an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pressed, and it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pressed.

Ziploc bags: Male
They hold everything in, but you can always
see straight through them.

Subway: Male
It uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hammer: Male
It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote control: Female
It gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to press, he keeps trying.